There are plenty of more basic sex tips out there for tops and bottoms who want to strengthen their game in bed, but what about for the experts? If you’re having plenty of sex, you probably already know to use a lot of lube. (Or conversely, your anus is so warmed up, you don’t even need any.) You also know more than three types of sexual positions. So these are some tips for tops/bottoms/versatile men who don’t need a 101 crash course, but a 401 masters level seminar.
S Q U E E Z E Y O U R H O L E W H I L E H E ' S I N S I D E Y O U
As for bottoms, you obviously need to loosen your hole wide enough for him to insert himself inside of you. But once you're warmed up, periodically squeeze your hole as he's penetrating you. The pressure not only feels really good for him but for you too.
S W I T C H C O N D O M S B E T W E E N P A R T N E R S
So hopefully you're doing this already, but if you're topping a number of guys (first of all, good for you), you should be switching condoms between partners, no matter how squeaky clean their anuses are. You don't want to transfer any bacteria or anything else between partners.
H A N D S S H O U L D A L W A Y S B E B U S Y
If your hands aren't doing something then you're doing something wrong. They can be held on the bedpost for dear life. They can be touching your partner's chest, jerking them off, holding their hand. Your hands should never be laying by your side doing nothing.
K E G E L S Q U E E Z E W H I L E I N S I D E O F H I M
So if you're a pro, you already know what Kegel exercises are and how they strengthen your PC muscle. If you're topping, do a Kegel squeeze inside of him. It moves your penis up and down, hitting different places, which feels really good for the man bottoming.
S P R E A D T H O S E C H E E K S W I D E
None of this baby spread nonsense. You want to get up IN there. Pull his cheeks apart as far as they go before feasting on that cake.
C H A N G E U P L O C A T I O N S
Are you a pro or are you a pro? Pros don't have sex in the bedroom every single time. They take their lovemaking sessions to the living room, laundry room, outdoors, and even sex clubs.
B R E A T H E
Such a simple thing to do, and it's advice that every sex expert gives, yet I find myself (and so many others) getting so excited that they forget to breathe during sex. Breath control helps you manage your orgasms (and can delay them). So it's particularly good to pay notice to breathe if you have a tendency to get a little too excited and ejaculate prematurely.
G I V E S U B T L E F E E D B A C K
If you're a pro, you should know to give direct, explicit feedback too. "That feels good. Do more of that!" But there's also the more subtle feedback, which some guys prefer to receive. Moan loudly if he does something you like while blowing you. Arch your hips so he hits the spot you want him to hit. Guide his hands where you want them to go. These are ways to communicate what you want sexually without being blunt.
D O U B L E Y O U R F O R E P L A Y T I M E A N D T E A S E
Maybe you're already good about this, but I'm just going to go off on a limb and assume you're not. I, too, have a tendency of wanting to get down to business ASAP, but when I have more foreplay, more kissing, and more teasing prior to getting down to business, the sex is so much better.
U S E A L O T O F L U B E
Lube if your best friend. Sex hurts without proper lubrication. While the anus does have some natural lubricants it’s seldom enough to be enjoyable without an additional form of lubricant.
P O P P E R S E X I S T A N D Y O U C A N U S E T H E M
Queer men have many feelings about poppers -- some good and some bad. They’re sold over the counter (in the US) and you can buy them at any sex shop. They are, technically, a drug, but so too is Advil. Poppers, if you use them sparingly, can be very helpful to relax you before sex. Specifically, if you’re too tight.
R I M M I N G I S A T H I N G
And it’s probably more common than you think, especially in the gay male community. Rimming does come with health risks (so too does oral directly after penetrative sex), so it’s important to be careful and clean as a whistle when rimming.
O P E N R E L A T I O N S H I P C A N W O R K
Open relationships are different than polyamorous ones. With polyamorous relationships, you are open to the idea of loving multiple people. But in an open relationship, you love one person but sleep with others, either together or separately. Open relationships do work -- but they require honesty, communication, and trust.
I T ' S N O T W E I R D T O A S K S O M E O N E T H E I R S T A T U S
I’ve heard many men say they wanted to ask a date about his HIV and STI status but felt it would be weird. It’s absolutely never weird to ask someone about their status. It can be a little awkward but it’s always worth it. Some men will be dishonest with you about their status I didn’t say that they outright lie because it’s not necessarily purposeful or malicious. But I have been with men who didn't quite see the “big deal” in exposing their pos status. That’s why it’s important to be safe and to always ask.
P R O S T A T E O R G A S M S G I V E Y O U A F U L L B O D Y O R G A S M
Your P-spot is a gift from the gods. Use it. Embrace it and begin to experience orgasms that aren’t localized to your frontal genitalia.
C U T Y O U R N A I L S
Did you cut your nails? Awesome! Now cut them shorter. Oh, you did cut them shorter? Great! Cut them again. Nails need to be trimmed (and filed) before inserting them into any orifice. It's that easy to scratch sensitive tissue, so it's best to be extra careful.
H A V E S E X I N F R O N T O F T H E M I R R O R
It’s simple. It’s cheap. Almost everyone has a mirror in their room. It’s really sexy to see yourself having sex.
S E X I N W A T E R D O E S N ' T A C T U A L L Y W O R K
Your body needs friction and water makes it more difficult to have that needed friction for sex to feel good. So sex in a Jacuzzi or even shower isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
B E C O M E A M A Z I N G A T O R A L
It’ll rock their world. Everyone likes getting a good head. Become a pro and watch your man freak out.
T H E R E A R E A D I F F E R E N T K I N D O F S E X
Sex can be an intimate expression of love, but that’s just one kind of sex. There’s also the I’m-horny-and-just-want-someone-to-bone sex. There’s the I’ve-had-a-bad-day-at-work-and-need-a-distraction sex. Sex comes in various shades. Sometimes it’s intense, sometimes it’s casual, sometimes it connects you to the person, sometimes it does the opposite.
C O N S E N T
If you’re not sure, just f*cking ask. When I meet someone in a club or on a date, I always ask, “Can I kiss you,” before I lean in for the kiss. I smile and look into their eyes when I ask. Guess what? It works. I think I’ve had three or four people reject me when I asked, and it wasn’t awkward when they rejected me. I simply mistook friendliness for flirtation, which is why I’m happy I clarified by asking beforehand. The only time I don’t ask is when we meet via Grindr (where sex is pre-negotiated).
F I G U R E I T O U T W H I C H P O S I T I O N S A N D A N G L E S H I T Y O U D E E P E R
To each his own. Different positions hit you in various ways and it depends on the person.
S E X C A N S M E L L
Sometimes it smells sexy and hot, other times it smells pungent in other, stinkier, ways. It’s completely normal. Don’t be turned off by it.
D I F F E R E N T W A S Y T O C L E A N Y O U R A N U S
You can use an enema, but that’s aggressive. You can use a soapy finger and/or baby wipes, but that might not be enough. The perfect medium is using an ear syringe (Bet you didn’t know that one). After lubricating the tip of the syringe, you can gently flush out your anus with warm water. Regardless, shit happens (literally). And it will happen more than just once. That’s life. Both you and he can laugh it off. The two-by-two rule is helpful for deciding on anal
If you’re really nervous about poop (even after everything you’ve read!) remember the two by two rule. If you haven’t pooped in the past two days or you pooped in the past two hours you probably shouldn’t be penetrated. There’s a high likelihood of making a mess.
Y O U R S E X D R I V E W I L L W A X A N D W A N E
That’s completely natural. At times, you may never be able to get enough, and at other times you might not want to have sex at all. If you see this fluctuating quickly and intensely, it may be a sign of a deeper issue. It would be worth mentioning to your doctor or therapist.
T E L L H I M W H A T T U R N S Y O U O N
Don’t expect him to be a mind reader. You need to vocalize what you like and don’t. If he does something you do enjoy, acknowledge it (or at least moan loudly to give him some clues).
B U Y S I M P L E S E X T O Y S
Vibrating cock rings - they’re incredibly cheap. You can buy them online and they have the ability to enhance your sexual satisfaction. Buy a dildo for yourself to practice. Practice makes perfect, but sometimes you don’t want (or have) someone else to practice with. That’s why it’s good to practice with yourself.
T R Y B D S M
There’s something empowering and arousing about being both dominant and/or submissive in a sexual context. It satisfies some primal sexual urges that can be healthy, even cathartic, to explore in a consensual manner with someone you trust.
S E X I S J U S T O N E C O M P O N E N T O F H E A L T H Y R E L A T I O N S H I P
Of course, sex is important, and it's also a reason why many people break up. But there’s so much more to a relationship than sex. Make sure to focus your energy on more than just intercourse.